Each year I am asked about tips for talking to children about death and how to respond when a child asks the question “Are you going to die?” or “Where is heaven?” That question has come up even more in the past few days with the passing of a student.
For parents, dealing with the subject of death becomes very personal. It is hard to express our thoughts on death without letting our own past
experiences play into our emotions. It is hard for me to even write about death without thinking of those who I have lost and feeling some of those same emotions.
How do you tell a child that someone has died, how do you answer the question “Are you going to die?” My suggestion for all of those difficult questions is simply be honest. Avoid saying things such as “I will not die until you are very old” or “I will never leave you” and instead say something along the lines of “I don’t plan to die until I am very old” or “I hope to be alive for a very long time”. Giving the child age appropriate clear answers will help to alleviate their fears. Let them talk about what they are feeling, draw pictures to process their emotions and come up with a ritual that will help them to grieve and move forward. This can be something simple like drawing a picture, it can be planting a tree or even attaching a note or picture to a balloon and releasing it. It is all about finding a way to express what they are feeling and understanding that it is normal and in time it will get better.
Of course it is really important to understand ahead of time what your own personal views are of life after death. “Where does a person go when they die?” “Will they come back?” “Can they see me?”, these are all questions that children will ask and as a parent it helps to have your own belief system intact. Personally I feel pretty confident about what happens after death and I am happy to share my view if you message me. But regardless of your faith or belief system the key is to be able to provide your child with a confident answer that will bring them comfort and strength.
When ready, talking about the person and sharing memories will help not only the child to heal but also the parent. I think of my own boys and the stories we share about their uncle and the snowball fight and their memories eating salami at the flea market with him or the stories I tell them of their great grandma and the day her pool full of fish broke open and she chased them down the hill. It is those memories that bring us comfort when we are missing people close to us.
Life is so incredibly precious and the reality is it can be snatched away in an instant. Losing someone is so hard but it is also a reminder to cherish the time that we have and let people know how we feel about them when they are here instead of waiting until it is too late.