LifeofTHEmom

For anyone who has read one of my blog posts, looked at my Facebook or spent even a few moments with me it becomes pretty clear that my boys are my world. Chris and Z are my two most favorite people and I sincerely cherish the time that we have together.  Chris just turned 26,  Z will be 22 in just a few months and yes, I still get my time with my guys. I can honestly say we are incredibly strong as a family unit and we really are very close.

As the boys get older I am often told how fortunate I am that they still want to hang out with me or spend time as a family. I am thankful every day for the gift of my boys and I know that the relationship we have did not just “happen”. As a family we have had to experience some tough times (perhaps those will be a later blog post) but it was those tough times that taught us to lean on each other, we have experienced great loss of important people but it was the loss that has taught us to value the time we have, we grew as a family in our faith and it is through that faith that we learned we can lean on God and lastly we have grown in our respect for each other which has allowed our relationship to deepen and strengthen.

As a mom I of course had assumed that I sort of knew what I was doing

when it came to parenting my children but as usual I was totally wrong. As they grew up I found that I had to continually tweak my parenting style and as much as my kids were growing I had to grow with them.  Sending a 5 year old to bed early because their behavior shows they are obviously tired works really well, trying to send a 17, 18, 20 something year old to bed would either result in an argument or a serious eye roll.  So the older my kids have gotten my responses, requests, demands and expectations have also had to change.

The one thing though that has remained the same in my parenting style has been my ongoing attempt to always work on meeting my kids where they are.  When they were little I spent time watching Barney, hanging out at the park and figuring out how to throw a pog.  Why? Simply because that is what the boys were into and for our relationships to continue to

grow we needed to be able to share common interest.  When Chris wanted to play soccer his team needed a coach- yep, I became a soccer coach though I had never before touched a soccer ball.  (On a side note we had a winning season!)  When Z became engrossed in the Alex Rider books he asked me to read them too so we could discuss them after- yep, I have read them all.

 

Over the past 10 years I have helped Chris work on easily a dozen cars and lately we are taking apart a truck.  I am having fun using his drill, pulling off random car parts and even sorting out the tools  but most of all I am LOVING the time we are having to just be together and talk.

 

I am also becoming quite the expert Pokemon catcher and just today hit level 19.  I did not start the game because of some love for the characters, though Pikachu is pretty cute, but it was because currently Z is into the game and he suggested we play it together.  Suddenly I am having so much fun wandering around the city with him playing the game and talking about so many things including friends, goals, politics, religion and so much more.

 

By meeting my kids where they are they have learned over the years that I value what they think, they are worth my time and energy and that what is important to them is important to me.  Of course this has gone both directions and though I can’t get them to knit, they have tried many “mom” things for me.  My hope is that they have learned that words are easy but it is through our actions that people see our hearts and what we value.

 

My boys and I are very close, I am incredibly thankful for the relationship we have, for the blessings that are my boys and I do cherish every moment.  But I know what we have did not just magically appear, it was a concentrated effort by all of us that took hard work, time, dedication and  the ability to laugh.

 

A clique is defined as a small group of people, with shared interests or other features in common, who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them.

I always knew that cliques exist and can most often be found with groups of girls, however I never realized how young they can begin until I started to teach.  Over the past 29 years I am seeing cliques appear at younger and younger ages and in the past few years I see it most often in 4 year old girls.  The exclusion and at times the simple “mean girl” mentality is something that exists in preschool and has to be tackled early on to begin to make a positive change.

For this reason about 10 years ago I created a program that I call “Girl Talk”.  My thought was that if we could teach girls at a young age the value of girlfriends and the words and actions to support that value, perhaps we can begin to change generations of girls for the better.

Each September I meet with all of my Pre-Kinder and Kindergarten girls for a discussion about girlfriends.  We talk about what they like about themselves, what they like about their friends and what are the qualities/actions that make a friend.  The girls always amaze me by their ability to express their thoughts and we end each session with a special bonding project.  The girls and I will meet at least once per month (more often if a problem comes up) and talk about friendships and conflicts.  Often they will bring up a problem on the playground and together the other girls will come up with a suggestion to help.

Our discussions have covered topics including: how to make a friend, (the girls came up with step by step directions), how to tell someone you do not want to play right now with kindness, what to do if someone doesn’t like your outfit, what can you do if you see a girl sitting all alone, and on an on!

By the end of the year the girls can practically run the meetings without me.  They listen to each other, bring up discussions that they want to talk about and genuinely care for each other.  I will often hear from former parents that the lessons learned in “Girl Talk” have made a positive and lasting difference.  Knowing this gives me hope that we can change the way that girls talk to each other and perhaps from little girls to women we will cherish the value of our girlfriends.

 

Today I am sitting in my office listening to the giggling of a group of 4 year old girls in the hallway waiting to go out to recess. I can hear their happy chatter about who is going to be the “baby” in the play house when they get outside and I am appreciating their innocence and their ability to

work out problems with words and compromise. At the same time an email pops up announcing more information on the terrorist attacks in Brussels. My mind is spinning as I am trying to comprehend how anyone can do what they did and then just as quickly a 3 year old calls to me “I love you Miss Barb”. Our world is so very confusing and as an adult I know I am struggling to understand the pure evilness and balance it with the good.

I think about our children and their ability to process happy, sad and scary events and realize of course that developmentally they also do not have the ability to fully understand what is happening in the world around us. This is where our children need their parents to step in and TURN IT OFF! When disasters such as Brussels, Paris, 9/11, school shootings etc. happen we all seem to thirst for more information, we want to understand what is happening and of course we get that info from the news. I think about 911 and watching as the planes hit the tower. As adults we understand that two planes hit the towers and that the news media showed it over and over from different angles. Unfortunately for many children at that time they thought the towers had been hit by 20 or more planes because it continued to happen for hours on end.

 

With the development of technology we are no longer just getting access to the news at 5 or 6 p.m. as we did in the old days. We now have 24/7 access to the news on our phones, ipads, t.v.’s, computers, etc. and for our children this becomes overwhelming and very distorted. Our children are more aware than we at times give them credit for and though they may not be staring at the screen, they are taking in the sounds, intensity and many of the words. At times I question if I am old enough to handle all of this but I am certain that a preschool/ Kindergarten age child is not.

My suggestion to parents is simply to turn off the technology when your child is around. Yes, catch up on what is happening, pray for the victims, pray for those in power to have wisdom in the decision of how to move forward but let’s protect the innocence of our children for as long as we can.

Each year I am asked about tips for talking to children about death and how to respond when a child asks the question “Are you going to die?” or “Where is heaven?”  That question has come up even more in the past few days with the passing of a student.

For parents, dealing with the subject of death becomes very personal. It is hard to express our thoughts on death without letting our own past

experiences play into our emotions. It is hard for me to even write about death without thinking of those who I have lost and feeling some of those same emotions.

 

How do you tell a child that someone has died, how do you answer the question “Are you going to die?” My suggestion for all of those difficult questions is simply be honest. Avoid saying things such as “I will not die until you are very old” or “I will never leave you” and instead say something along the lines of “I don’t plan to die until I am very old” or “I hope to be alive for a very long time”. Giving the child age appropriate clear answers will help to alleviate their fears. Let them talk about what they are feeling, draw pictures to process their emotions and come up with a ritual that will help them to grieve and move forward. This can be something simple like drawing a picture, it can be planting a tree or even attaching a note or picture to a balloon and releasing it.  It is all about finding a way to express what they are feeling and understanding that it is normal and in time it will get better.

Of course it is really important to understand ahead of time what your own personal views are of life after death. “Where does a person go when they die?” “Will they come back?” “Can they see me?”, these are all questions that children will ask and as a parent it helps to have your own belief system intact. Personally I feel pretty confident about what happens after death and I am happy to share my view if you message me. But regardless of your faith or belief system the key is to be able to provide your child with a confident answer that will bring them comfort and strength.

When ready, talking about the person and sharing memories will help not only the child to heal but also the parent. I think of my own boys and the stories we share about their uncle and the snowball fight and their memories eating salami at the flea market with him or the stories I tell them of their great grandma and the day her pool full of fish broke open and she chased them down the hill.  It is those memories that bring us comfort when we are missing people close to us.

Life is so incredibly precious and the reality is it can be snatched away in an instant.  Losing someone is so hard but it is also a reminder to cherish the time that we have and let people know how we feel about them when they are here instead of waiting until it is too late.

 

 

The simple definition of a teacher is a person or thing that teaches something.  

As a teacher I know my job is to teach, to educate the minds of children and adults, essentially to encourage and inspire others.  I would even say I was pretty confident that I had this down pat.   Until… once upon a time there was a little girl named Lola and she taught me that as a teacher what I really needed to do is learn.

Lola came to visit the school way back in 2004.  She arrived with a giant smile, the brightest eyes and I heard the sweetest voice as she said to me “I want to go to preschool”.  In that moment in my mind Lola needed to come and I was going to make that happen.  I was running through all of the scenarios of how to make this happen, what could I tweak or rearrange to make this a practical situation. You see, Lola not only arrived with her sparkling personality but she also arrived with her custom made, personalized purple wheelchair.  The only way to access our school is to go downstairs or in an elevator which means in reverse for recess time.  By the time the paperwork was signed I had a plan for the new routine and I was working out ways in my mind to teach the other children about Lola.  After all, before me was a little girl who wants to go to school and of course I had so much I was going to be able to teach her.. and then she began.

Within about an hour of her first day of school I quickly realized that I was about to learn so much more from Lola than she would ever learn from me.  Lola had a determination to experience life at the fullest.  She was determined to get out of the wheelchair and sit in the regular classroom chairs, sit on the floor for circle time and most of all she simply wanted to experience everything school could offer.  I will not forget that first day when one of the children approached her and said “Why do you have that chair?”  I quickly stepped forward to make this a teachable moment with my infinite wisdom when Lola began to speak.  She said something along the lines of “because my legs don’t work right”.  And that, was that. The children had answers to their questions, Lola was empowered and confident and really I just needed to step back and let Lola educate all of us.  From her open honesty to her determination to chase the kids on the playground in her wheelchair to her ability to find the pure joy in everything she did, Lola showed me that really she was the teacher.

I ran into Lola again a year ago.  She is a confident teenager with that always present “Lola smile”.  This time that beautiful smile is filled with braces, her wheel chair is bigger and perched on the arm of the chair, was her cell phone.  She has gone from an excited 3 year old to a young lady who recently spoke about bullying to a bunch of 6th graders. Lola’s drive, attitude and approach to life is once again teaching me.

 

 

Those three little words out of the mouth of a child can carry so much power. I think back to the very first time that I ever heard those words. I had only been teaching for a couple of years when I came up against my biggest challenge. Her name was Jaime and she was simply amazing.  Jaime was strong, confident, opinionated, very very verbal, friendly, popular, funny, sweet and 2 years old.

It was nap time in the preschool and all of the children were climbing into bed. It was at that moment that little Miss Jaime darted into the adjoining room. I followed her in and let her know it was time for nap and then asked her to please come with me. At that moment it was like watching a volcano get ready to erupt. Jaime stomped her little foot, put her cute little hands on her hips, began to turn very red and then screamed at the top of her lungs “I HATE YOU”. I was still a new teacher and had never heard that from a child, I was at a loss for a moment. How could this sweet little girl who loved to sit in my lap and snuggle possibly hate me? For a brief moment my feelings were a bit hurt and then I found that I needed to take a deep breath. I realized of course that Jaime didn’t hate me, in all actuality she simply was expressing her needs and wants in the only way that she was able at that time.

Jaime and I sat down on the floor together and took very deep breaths. She was still very angry and it showed by her red face but within moments she plopped down in my lap and started twirling my hair. We talked about why she didn’t want to take a nap and by the time she was done telling me everything she wanted to say, she ended with telling ME that it was time for her nap!

That event with Jaime has stayed in my mind all of these many years. I learned so much from her that day and I credit that moment in helping me to be a better teacher and mom. When our kids are at their most difficult, when they are being defiant and overly emotional, it is in those moments that our children need the most love and patience from us.  Our children need to learn that expressing their feelings is safe and part of our  job is to help them learn to express their feelings in a healthy way.   For Jaime, on that day she learned that her words had power and that if she could take a deep breath (or catch a bubble as we do with our little friends) and use calm words we can solve almost anything.

 

If you have questions or subjects that you would like for me to tackle, please send me an email!  [email protected]

I am often asked why I became a preschool teacher and I always answer the same way, “when I was 4 I had a preschool teacher who was mean to me so I decided then that I would grow up, become a preschool teacher and be nice to children.”  Obviously I was either incredibly brilliant to see the future or incredibly stubborn because I am reaching 29 years in this career field next week!   The reality was perhaps not as simple as my 4 year old self made it out to be.

I was sent to preschool at the age of 4 (that is me in the pic) and am certain that it was very needed.  I was incredibly shy, quiet, and from what I have always been told, I didn’t talk to anyone outside of the family prior to starting preschool.  I can only imagine I was that crying child who probably frustrated the teacher by her lack of ability to bond with me.  That being said, that teacher left a lasting imprint on me even to this day.  For what ever reason, we did not connect and I am sure that my impression that she did not like me did not help my introduction to education to go very smoothly.  I can remember a particularly bad “field trip gone wrong”, where I ended up sitting on my towel at the beach crying as she yelled telling me  I was ugly and weird!  I am certain it was the heat of the moment and I would like to think that her intent was not to forever scar me, but the truth is those two words have stuck with me almost 45 years later. Words, both good and bad, have so much power.   I think sometimes we forget that an off handed comment, choice words said in anger or insults when frustrated can hurt even more than a physical blow.  I think of the rhyme we used to teach children, “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me”. I would have to strongly disagree! Words can cause harm, words can cause pain, and as we have seen words can result in terrible acts.   That being said, what about the good? What difference can we make in the world if we actively shared a kind word, a compliment or words of encouragement?  What would our children grow up believing about themselves if we shared with them a little bit of honest truth, if we told them they are valued, they are wanted, they are beautiful, they are unique?  Perhaps, one word at a time and one child at a time we can create a positive future.

I have been asked why I chose the name lifeofTHEmom. The title “THEmom” began many years ago when my boys would introduce me to their friends. I would often hear “this is THE mom” and I was so honored by the title. Kids have always been an incredibly important part of my world. From babysitting to teaching to directing to becoming a mom, kids have given my life meaning. I look at all of my students, past and present, as being partially mine and I care for each and every one of them.

My own boys are my world and I had to make conscious decisions about how I was going to raise them and what their home life was going to look like. From the time they were small and invited their friends over I always treated their friends as family. That meant while they were at our house they needed to follow our family rules. Over the years those rules evolved but have always included things such as putting away their toys, putting their dishes in the sink, no cursing, drinking, drugs, and most importantly they had to treat everyone with respect. The boundaries and expectations were set and very clear, I was kind but firm and something surprising happened. The “kids” kept coming back. As a matter of fact, as the years went on, sometimes I wondered if they were ever going to leave!!

Some mix of “kids” (and those kids changed over the years yet some have remained the same) have celebrated birthdays, come for holiday dinners, joined us on vacation, helped us move, cooked dinner, dyed each other’s hair, prepared for prom, been there for us when we experienced a death, stayed over when they had a problem at home, helped to build a wall and so much more. When one of my boys’ car broke down I knew it was just a matter of time before the “kids” would be over with tools, grease and lots of opinions and it was just a couple of years ago a tree came down on our house in a huge storm and before I knew it the “kids” were back and up on our roof in that storm cutting back branches to relieve the weight of the tree and save our roof.

Our house has never been the house with the coolest toys, big screen tv or fancy food, actually, there was a 5 year period where we didn’t even have heat and everyone bundled up before they came in the house. But our house has always been filled with love and clear boundaries and I think that that has been the key. The kids see me as “THE mom”, not replacing their own, just one more in most likely a long line of people who care enough to expect more of them.